There and back again

Hello, I wrote this post as I’ve been thinking about how I always partially believe that I’ve gotten to a place in my life and then some short time after I realise I’m back at square one. For example, “I look slimmer today. I think I’ve lost weight.” The following week… “I’ve never looked so fat in my entire life.” That was a pretty generic example but I’m sure you catch my drift. By the way, I’m writing this post on my iPhone as it won’t let me post on my laptop. So, chances are it’s not going to flow as nicely.

One of my main ‘there and back again’ problems is with my anxiety – I’m trying to be as open as I can on this blog so I provide a more authentic experience for my readers. I have suffered from different forms of anxiety for a while now, but social anxiety has dominated my life for the past 2-3 years. The best way to describe my anxiety is by the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ theory; this is the reaction human beings get when they are faced with grave danger like having a gun pointed at your head for example. So, when faced with that specific problem you could…
A: fight the gunman.
B: try and flee from the gunman.
C: freeze and do nothing
Well, my anxiety tricks my brain into thinking normal day-to-day situations are threatening to me. Such as: meeting new people, walking by groups of people, getting in an elevator with someone, seeing myself on camera, going to meet new friends, getting my picture taken, the doorbell ringing, someone saying something rude to me etc. It’s not as bad as I’ve just made it to sound though. At different times, different things can be better or worse. I have good days and I have bad days. Since I have moved to Glasgow I’ve felt it get significantly better though. I felt like I was really getting ‘there’. However, the past week I’ve felt myself slip ‘back’. Although to tell you the truth I was feeling a lot better today.

Most of my anxiety is to do with the way I look or how I think I look. If I look in the mirror and I feel like I’m not looking as bad then that can trigger a good day. But say for example I was recorded on camera that day and I wasn’t happy with the results then that could trigger the rest of my day as a bad one. I wish it wasn’t that way but it is.

I have a real problem talking about this type of thing because society tells you that this is not a manly thing to feel. It is feminine. It is irregular. Not normal. Gay. Words like these are used to describe men like me. Men who aren’t macho type lads that have no problem going topless and talking to girls – not to be sexist and generic 😁. I know that I don’t have a good chance with girls because for the most part I am not what they are looking for. I am an unfit, wimpy, pathetic excuse for a boyfriend in the attraction department, I’m mostly sure. Although, I do believe there’s someone out there for me🔮🎆🔮. I’m not a complete Debbie downer though; I have a unique view on certain things, I’m not the worst dressed I just can’t wear it as well, I can be funny and once I lose weight I will most likely be a lot happier in myself therefor leading to a more confident version of myself. And don’t get me wrong, with the right people I can appear over-confident and when I’m drunk wheyheeey where’s that anxiety ran off to?

I may have ended up spiralling off into a completely different way in which I intended but that’s just me. For that was ‘there and back again’ by Bilbo Baggins Finn.

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