Back again and with a guide to failure.

So, it appears that I’m here yet again. It saddens me to admit that my recent attempt of a ‘comeback’ failed miserably. It was a lousy piece of writing that lacked the Finn-ish substance that we have all come to know and love (nod, smile and act like you know what I’m talking about). Failure is never a nice thing to feel. Whether that be in education, work, relationships, friendships or the worst – and totally the best – giving into that 12″ Margherita pizza when your diet has been going so well; and when your closest heaven-like takeaway does a great ‘BOGOF’ offer, who can possibly say no? Unfortunately for most failures; the faster the drive, the harder the crash. It is important to remember that those horrible feelings in which failure brings – although intense – are only temporary. We must accept our mistakes and work from them.

From my own experience and the accounts of others, I believe that there are 6 different stages of failure:

Confusion

Sadness

Regret

Anger

Acceptance

and finally; motivation for something greater!

I, like so many others, do not believe that they are good enough. We already have failure in our heads and as a result we carry this through everything we do. I don’t see it happening at the time but it’s a more than reasonable answer for why I’m so bloody good at not putting in my 110%. I may mock my old drama teacher for her constant ramblings about ‘SFP’ – SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY, but for the most part, she was right. I mean, don’t get me wrong… if I believe that I’m going to turn into a Russian gymnastic potato, I doubt it will actually happen. But in terms of failure, it’s pretty effective to go into it with a positive outlook as hard as that may be.

And remember…

DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE. THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY. WHO EVEN DEFINES FAILURE? DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE DEFINED BY YOUR COURSE, JOB, FRIENDS, PAST OR WHATEVER OTHER CRAPPY THING SOCIETY PROJECTS INTO OUR EXPECTATIONS OF LIFE. HAPPINESS IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS. PROJECT YOUR GREATEST VIBES OUT INTO THE WORLD AND THEY MIGHT JUST BOUNCE BACK!

For this was another pointless post by maraudingminds 🙂

The Comeback

I gave up on this blog a few months ago as it’s in my nature to only succeed at beginnings. However… Times are ‘a changing (HALLELUJAH) and it’s time for a comeback. I’ve been stuck the past few days on what to write and even whilst typing this now I’m still not sure on what is to follow. Having read back on previous posts for some sort of ‘Finspiration’™; I noticed that I never really went into a new post with anything set in stone. For me, writing is a way to express myself in a platform that speech prohibits. I’m not exactly an intelligent person – as a good friend of mine previously stated: “I know a little about a lot.”. – This does limit me from some in-depth conversations from time-to-time. However, we are in charge of our own front.

When I was a young boy I often questioned who I was; who I was meant to be and who I should never become. At the ripe old age of 18, I ask myself the same 3 questions.

Who is Finn?… Well I still don’t know the bloody answer. Not many of us do I suppose. I have a lot of paradoxical traits which lead me to confusion. An example of this would be introversion and extroversion. Most people are either an introvert or an extrovert, that just seems to be the way it is. However, I can identify with both. A hybrid of sorts. I can be in the thick of a crowd but still mentally observe from the sideline. I’ve touched on my confidence in previous posts and it is still a harrowing issue in my life. Do I really perceive myself in such a different way than others? In my mind this can’t be true. The worst part of low self-confidence is having a good day. It makes you question everything you thought you knew about your physical self. How can I go from feeling so disgusting and unloved to looking at myself and feeling like I’m not this hideous monster? One day I can look at myself topless and feel like a muffin fresh out of the oven; on another I can feel like I’m in completely different skin. Recently I have been determined to join the gym but I refuse to go alone on my first couple of visits. It sounds pathetic but I have created this mental block for myself and only a gym buddy can fix it. I know that I can do it though.

Who am I supposed to be? Well I’ve learned the answer to this and it’s very simple. I can only be myself – warts ‘n all (thankfully I have no warts). There’s no point trying to be something you’re not because your roots will only grow stronger and eventually while you’re trying to be this beautiful rose, your real inner flower will be like “Hey, wtf man… you’re not a rose. I am not letting this happen. Come back here young man or I’ll ground you!” (my inner flower is an angry old lady by the way).

Who should I never become? Anyone but myself because that’s just not healthy.

I’ve felt myself get very lazy as of late. Recently, someone has came into my life who has been helping me get through this. They encouraged me to start writing again and they have persisted that I eat healthily and join the gym. The nicest thing is that they only do this because they see what makes me unhappy. They see the potential I have and for a guy like me that’s something to cherish.

I hope to continue with this blog as it benefits me in many different ways. I have an interview next month for a writing course so hopefully this helps me prepare.

For this was another pointless post by maraudingminds.

There and back again

Hello, I wrote this post as I’ve been thinking about how I always partially believe that I’ve gotten to a place in my life and then some short time after I realise I’m back at square one. For example, “I look slimmer today. I think I’ve lost weight.” The following week… “I’ve never looked so fat in my entire life.” That was a pretty generic example but I’m sure you catch my drift. By the way, I’m writing this post on my iPhone as it won’t let me post on my laptop. So, chances are it’s not going to flow as nicely.

One of my main ‘there and back again’ problems is with my anxiety – I’m trying to be as open as I can on this blog so I provide a more authentic experience for my readers. I have suffered from different forms of anxiety for a while now, but social anxiety has dominated my life for the past 2-3 years. The best way to describe my anxiety is by the ‘fight, flight or freeze’ theory; this is the reaction human beings get when they are faced with grave danger like having a gun pointed at your head for example. So, when faced with that specific problem you could…
A: fight the gunman.
B: try and flee from the gunman.
C: freeze and do nothing
Well, my anxiety tricks my brain into thinking normal day-to-day situations are threatening to me. Such as: meeting new people, walking by groups of people, getting in an elevator with someone, seeing myself on camera, going to meet new friends, getting my picture taken, the doorbell ringing, someone saying something rude to me etc. It’s not as bad as I’ve just made it to sound though. At different times, different things can be better or worse. I have good days and I have bad days. Since I have moved to Glasgow I’ve felt it get significantly better though. I felt like I was really getting ‘there’. However, the past week I’ve felt myself slip ‘back’. Although to tell you the truth I was feeling a lot better today.

Most of my anxiety is to do with the way I look or how I think I look. If I look in the mirror and I feel like I’m not looking as bad then that can trigger a good day. But say for example I was recorded on camera that day and I wasn’t happy with the results then that could trigger the rest of my day as a bad one. I wish it wasn’t that way but it is.

I have a real problem talking about this type of thing because society tells you that this is not a manly thing to feel. It is feminine. It is irregular. Not normal. Gay. Words like these are used to describe men like me. Men who aren’t macho type lads that have no problem going topless and talking to girls – not to be sexist and generic 😁. I know that I don’t have a good chance with girls because for the most part I am not what they are looking for. I am an unfit, wimpy, pathetic excuse for a boyfriend in the attraction department, I’m mostly sure. Although, I do believe there’s someone out there for me🔮🎆🔮. I’m not a complete Debbie downer though; I have a unique view on certain things, I’m not the worst dressed I just can’t wear it as well, I can be funny and once I lose weight I will most likely be a lot happier in myself therefor leading to a more confident version of myself. And don’t get me wrong, with the right people I can appear over-confident and when I’m drunk wheyheeey where’s that anxiety ran off to?

I may have ended up spiralling off into a completely different way in which I intended but that’s just me. For that was ‘there and back again’ by Bilbo Baggins Finn.

A little about myself…

Hello, my name is Finn Toolis. I was born on November 12th 1996. At the moment I am studying Media & Television Production in Glasgow. I moved there on the 30th August 2014. I’m bad at describing myself because how can one possibly illustrate who they are when they change their mind on the matter every other Tuesday. However, I suppose ‘About me’ means the basics. So, that being the case; I am a bit of an obsessive when it comes to film and television. My taste stretches around every nook and cranny. Like mostly every other human being, I like music. I couldn’t tell you who/what my favourite artists, films and shows are though. It’s a Sophie’s choice. I don’t play any sports but I secretly wish I was a horse-riding bow and arrow expert archer type.

I’m a bit of a lonely person, not necessarily meaning that I am always alone. I mostly enjoy it this way though. I can’t seem to form those ‘relationships’ that people talk about, and group dynamics sometimes confuse me nowadays. I have a few close friends but I feel that so many of my friendships are going to wither and die sometime soon. I don’t necessarily speak like this in real life either but I find it much easier to put things in writing compared to speech. I like food, particularly junk food but I’m really trying to cut down on that as I have some pretty bad self-confidence. But, we all have our demons 🙂 I sound so morbid and depressed but I’d like to think that I can be pretty fun – if you like people pretending to be cats, creating random characters, surprise attack biting you, fake fainting and just annoying shit like that.

I’m pretty scared about the future because I feel so behind in life from where I should be. I don’t know what job I want or anything like that. I fucked up school pretty bad due to my attendance which left me from possibly getting into uni to doing a low course at college. Luckily, my nan and papa are sort of well off and got me student accommodation in Glasgow or else I’d still be stuck in my hometown of Dumfries which I don’t exactly love. I mean, it’s a nice town but it’s just not me. I’m not entirely sure what type of things I’ll be writing about on my blog yet. I’ll probably be talking about films and shows that I watch, food, society, problems that I face and just a bunch of shit no one is probably interested in haha. Anyway, I’ve been blabbering for ages and I can’t even remember what I’ve wrote so I’ll end it here. For that was a brief summary by myself, Finn.